I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
