if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
