i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
