i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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