He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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