3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
