the condom got lost in my hair
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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