am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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