How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize