You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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