This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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