I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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