Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
