oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
