i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
