just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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