Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
