I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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