so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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