The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize