Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
