He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
