my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
