Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Im part way to drunk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
