why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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