i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
