We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize