I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize