I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
