I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
