if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize