Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
