hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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