Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
