Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize