It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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