my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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