3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have fence marks all over my body
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
