he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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