you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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