I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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