I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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