Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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