I checked into jail on foursquare
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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