he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
