If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
COCAINE IS GR8
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
