My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
