I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
