I smell stomach acid.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
