The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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