i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
