i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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