and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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