I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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