what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
