I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my being single is dangerous.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
people are starting to question the shark bite story
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
