Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
