He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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